In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
