sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
