and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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