I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
