ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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