Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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