I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
How does one acquire holy water?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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