Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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