Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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