Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
