I think my vagina is haunted
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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