i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
