my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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