He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
