waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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