Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
