does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
