Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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