I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
