Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
