Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
