just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
