I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
