Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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