Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
