Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
