non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
