Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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