I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
