My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
