he told me I talked like a deaf person
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
