it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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