Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
