Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
