I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
