Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
