I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
