your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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