i don't like sucking hair
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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