Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
