So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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