I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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