I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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