she looked like the bat from fern gully.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
