Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
