On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
