If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
