the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
