Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
