I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
