She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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