I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
