got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
